Butterflies in Heaven

We are very blessed to have two beautiful daughters – and another four beautiful children that we had for just a brief moment in time, and are now held for eternity in God’s arms.

A couple of days ago was the international day of remembrance for lost babies – and so I took some time to reflect and remember our own precious wee ones – our butterflies in heaven.

When we were first married, we knew we would like children fairly soon, but even so, the first pregnancy was as much of a surprise as it was short – I hadn’t even confirmed the pregnancy before it ended in an early miscarriage. However, everyone always said how common it was to lose the first pregnancy so, while it was a loss, it simply served to deepen our longing for children.

Over the next couple of years, our two beautiful daughters came along – healthy and full of life, and so we totally never expected that we would struggle to have any more children.

When I fell pregnant a couple of years after Naomi was born, we were excited with the prospect of another child – maybe a boy this time? But we lost this little one, and I was both devastated and confused. How could I have had 2 healthy pregnancies and then lose another baby? We actually never did find the answer to that question!

A year or so later and I was pregnant again. this time, I went through the weeks with an underlying worry – what if I lose this one? So, when the pregnancy progressed past the stage where I had lost the other 2, I started to breath again – maybe this time it would be ok.

But, I had also heard the whisper of a still, small voice inside my heart that said, “I’m sorry” – which was so not what I wanted to hear! So, even though I recognised it as the Holy Spirit’s whisper, I duly ignored it!

However, that whisper stayed in the back of my mind and so, when a few weeks later I once again went through a miscarriage, I wasn’t entirely surprised. As it turned out, that whisper of “Im sorry” came to me at the exact time my little baby died – even though the pregnancy continued for a few more weeks.

The feeling of being hit over the head with an emotional sledge-hammer just about describes what we went through. And I remember getting home from hospital and hugging my daughters tight to me, whilst inside crying out “God, why? Why would I lose another one? What have I done wrong? Why God?”

To this day, we actually don’t know why – nor why we lost yet another precious baby a few years later – an unexpected pregnancy while we were overseas, that again only lasted those few short weeks, and ended with another sledge-hammer of emotions and questions.

However, after our 3rd loss, while I was lying in bed, God gave me a beautiful picture which has always stayed in my heart – that of Jesus holding my precious wee babies in His loving arms, and they were whole, healthy and beautiful.

Over time and with God’s gentle healing work, I have come to a place of peace, where the why doesn’t actually matter – because the “Who” that holds it all is what is important. And while I do still shed some tears, these days when I think about my 4 precious children, I picture them running and laughing in a beautiful green meadow filled with flowers and a cool, flowing stream, all the while watched over by their Father in Heaven, who loves them even more than I do!

Revelation 21 vs 3 – 4 says: ‘Look! God’s dwelling-place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’

And I’d like to think that a part of God’s dwelling place is this beautiful meadow!

After our 2nd miscarriage, I started a cross-stitch to remember them by – a picture that I had in my mind at that time of butterflies and a cross – the picture that is the photo for this blog. And I wrote the following to go with the picture: Beautiful, fragile, delicate – just like a butterfly. And like a butterfly, gone before we could hold you.

I know that one day I will hold them, laugh with them, and run and jump with them in that beautiful meadow. But for now, this is my prayer:

“Lord – will you hold my precious ones for me? Hold them close Lord, in your embrace. Give them a big hug from me and tell them I love them. And while I miss them and will always be sad that they couldn’t be here with us just a little longer – I am so, so grateful and thankful that they are now in the most amazing place possible – 4 beautiful butterflies in heaven that are free to fly with You.”

Maybe you need to pray that prayer for yourself and your butterflies in heaven? Or maybe you need to just make yourself a cup of tea and sit with Jesus, who longs to hold you while you cry, and does, indeed, hold all your tears in a bottle. And He uses those tears to water the beautiful meadow where your precious ones are whole, beautiful and free to fly with Him.