Even if Not

Even if not!

Three little words with a huge meaning that completely sum up my journey, over many years, with chronic pain, .

Three words to which God, in His abundant grace and wisdom, keeps returning me. 

Even if not!

So said Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to King Nebuchadnezzar as they faced the fiery furnace: “We trust our God to save us – but even if not, we still trust that He is God and is the only One we worship.” (Daniel 3 vs 16 – 18)

Even if not!

Ever since back surgery went wrong in 2009, leaving me with a chronic nerve condition in my leg, God has continually challenged me to trust Him – trust in His love, His grace and His deeper work in my life – even though, to date, He isn’t answering the prayer for physical healing.

Then, this time last year, I managed to do some permanent damage to a hip tendon which resulted in a year of pain management and rehab. Things were tracking quite well until, over the last month, I’ve had to manage a significant flare-up of nerve pain in my other leg. Definitely not how I envisaged 2024 starting!

But in all these last few months, weeks and days, God has been walking right beside me, in the midst of the pain, and gently but consistently, bringing me back to “even if not.”

Inviting me to trust that He is Sovereign God, even as the pain continues.

And, with that, inviting me to rise up on His wings of grace and fly with Him in the midst of the storm of pain.

Towards the end of last year, God showed me a picture of a road. I couldn’t see where this road ended, or even if it ended – it was too foggy in the distance. But as I explored this road, He showed me it was the road of my walk with pain – the road I have been on for a long time and continue to walk on today!

And according to this picture, a road that is not going to end anytime I can see!

But actually that’s OK!

Because, you see, it is not a barren road. Neither is it a desolate road – or even a wilderness road – though sometimes it might feel that way.

The road God showed me has many trees and plants growing up from it – all flourishing despite of – or actually because of – the weeds of pain that surround them.

Because the pain keeps me going back to God and realising that I cannot do this journey in my own strength, but only by keeping tight hold of His hand and my eyes and heart fixed on Jesus.

The verses God gave me with this picture were from 2 Corinthians 4, specifically verses 7 and 16 – 18: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us … Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

And the song He very specifically used to do His deep work through my tears – “Turn your eyes upon Jesus.” ¹

I’m slowly getting the message!

He has never promised me that He will heal my physical pain this side of Heaven. But He has shown me clearly, that on this journey, He is right beside me in every moment, creating something beautiful along the way, for His glory.

And on those days when it’s much easier to sit huddled on the ground when the wind of pain blows, He, again, gently invites me to turn my eyes upon Him, to look on what is unseen rather that what I can see or feel.

Invites me to trust that this fragile jar of clay can walk in His strength of grace that He gives for today. ²

And, once again, He invites me to believe these words, deep in my spirit – Even if not.

Even if not – I know the One who walks with me, the author and perfecter of my faith, who, in all the years of journeying with pain has never left me on my own, and who assures me that He is making something very beautiful from this road for His glory.

So, day by day, moment by moment, I will choose to put my hope in Him, turn my eyes once again to look full in His wonderful face, take a hold of His hand and fly with Him on wings of faith. 

And I will say, with complete and utter certainty, that He is God, and He is good.

Even if not.

1. Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Sovereign Grace Music: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UHHPbBfinXs&pp=ygUpdHVybiB5b3VyIGV5ZXMgdXBvbiBqZXN1cyBzb3ZlcmVpZ24gZ3JhY2U%3D

2. The God of Every Grace, Keith and Kristyn Getty: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5SARNm0M8A&pp=ygUSZ29kIG9mIGV2ZXJ5IGdyYWNl